My cat gives me a boner
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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