Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
