she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
