sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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