You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
