First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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