Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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