If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
