can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
