i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
