I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
