There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I need to stop coming to work sober
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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