from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
