i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
