how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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