Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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