oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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