I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize