If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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