remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
