She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
