That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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