I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
