Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
