Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
