saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
