I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
