obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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