we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
