Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
