yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
