listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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