I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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