put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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