i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
