Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
