well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
