I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize