Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
