yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
