So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I want her autograph on my taint
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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