Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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