You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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