I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
