I'm eating all of the evidence.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
