I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
