I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
