How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
