She is in my trunk
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
