I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
