I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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