my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
