She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
