i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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