If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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