I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's shark week go big or go home
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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