Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
And then he peed in my hair
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