I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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