I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
